It’s officially wedding season, and the invites are beginning to stack up on our coffee table. We’ve earmarked a suitably sophisticated-yet-understated dress in our wardrobes, had our favourite dancing shoes re-heeled and stocked up on tissues in preparation for a flurry of nuptials this summer.
If you’ve never been to a wedding before, we’re here to give you a heads up on the who’s-who of every wedding party ever. From the bridesmaid crying quietly into her bouquet to the cute-but-annoying flower girl, here’s the lowdown on what to expect…
The ‘It Should Have Been Me’ Bridesmaid
Jemima is not having a good time. In fact, Jemima is a mass of hormones and emotions, dressed head to toe in peach tulle. Jemima’s boyfriend should have been at the wedding with her, but ceremoniously dumped her the week before, putting the wedding present they bought together on eBay and buying a flight to Kavos with the profits. She spends the ceremony veering between violent tears and an all-consuming rage, and tuts loudly when the bride and groom kiss: when the bouquet is thrown, she folds her arms in protest. Jemima is really not having a good time.
The Flower Girl Who Won’t Go Away
You made the mistake of letting the adorable seven year old flower girl dance on your feet during the reception, and now she won’t leave you alone. You’re not quite sure where her parents are, and you’re starting to feel like a glorified nanny in a bridesmaid’s dress: you just want to eat your chocolate torte in peace.
The Aunt That Isn’t Anyone’s Aunt
She’s been introduced to everyone as ‘Aunt Carol’, but no one is actually clear on who’s aunt she actually is. Speculation is rife that she’s crashed the wedding and nobody has the guts to move her on: the bride is furiously arguing with hotel security in an attempt to get her removed, whilst Aunt Carol takes full advantage of the open bar and falls off her chair.
The ‘When Are You Getting Married’ Brigade
Weddings are on the brain, so you’ve been asked fifteen times since leaving the church when you think you’ll get married. Nobody seems to comprehend that, in a Bridget Jones style twist, it’s just you and your cat. It’s beginning to get uncomfortable.
Someone’s Creepy Uncle
Uncle Steve seems harmless enough to the majority, but has patted your knee so frequently it’s started to leave a bruise and keeps asking you to dance. For the ripe old age of seventy, he’s a fast mover – which you discover when trying to lose him in the crowd by the buffet.
The Attention Stealer
Georgina has obviously been chosen as head bridesmaid, and looks like Kendall Jenner in her satin monstrosity of a dress. People are commenting on how beautiful she looks more than they are the bride, and her toast – worthy of a Nicholas Sparks novel – reduced the entire wedding party to tears. With her history as an Olympic gymnast, she catches the bouquet without even looking, and her stint as one of Beyoncé’s backing dancers means she lights up the dancefloor. In short, Georgina is stealing everyone’s thunder. (But she’s so wonderful nobody seems to mind).